“…Therapy is about understanding the self that you are. But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself – to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.” – Lori Gottlieb
As a therapist, I feel you need to know that I am aware of the personal bias in writing a blog about how therapy can help you. Part of the irony of finding out about things is that you may need to ask an expert in the area. Need your car fixed? A mechanic can help you there. And, while you’ll be getting the full benefit of your mechanic’s expertise, you’ll also be getting the predisposition of their experience. While I do not profess to be an “expert” therapist, I am a therapist who has had her own therapist for many years. I understand therapy according to my own experience from both sides of the couch.
Whichever side of the couch you may find yourself on, seeking help and choosing to change is brave. In a world that espouses rugged individualism and stubborn stoicism as the ideal, recognizing that there are things too big to work through alone may appear “weak” to others. Here’s the thing about therapy, though, it’s not about others – it’s just about YOU. And it’s not about appearances, it’s about inner change. The concept of “inner change” may sound a bit flouncy to some, but the fact of the matter is, whether we’re willing to recognize it or not, we have all experienced inner change. Whether it was the first time we fell in love, the first time we broke a bone, or the first time we lost a loved one, there is not any one of us who hasn’t experienced mind-altering emotional shifts in our being that changed our experience for better or worse. Some of these shifts come quickly and others come slowly over time, but they come.
Therapy is largely about recognizing these shifts and, if needed, finding ways to deal with and work through them. It’s about recognizing how our brains adapted to these shifts and understanding whether these adaptations are still working for us or not. It’s about getting things off our chest. It’s about reaching inward and seeing what might be possible for us if only we could get rid of this backpack of boulders we’ve gotten into the habit of carrying around. Ultimately, it’s about deciding that our story needs to change from this point forward and then working to make deep narrative alterations within ourselves to achieve the change we choose.
Therapy is not a “cure” for the past or present, but the search for the next step. The role of a therapist is to be an objective confidante. Someone who stands on the hill when you feel stuck in the woods and gives you options on which way you can go. A therapist will not always tell you what you want to hear, but they should, at the very least, assist you in changing your narrative and help you to find confidence and trust in yourself so that you can find your path forward. The journey of therapy can be difficult and heart-wrenching, but the reward is personal empowerment and tools to sustain you as you continue to work through the challenges ahead.